Liverpool is a club that lots of people love. They’re also a club that lots of people hate. I am one of the people that hate Liverpool. Also, I am on this humor streak for some reason. So, I have gathered 10 jokes about Liverpool and brought them to you. Some of these take shots at Liverpool fans; if you get upset, sorry. It’s all in fun.
Rafael Benitez: “Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player”
Sir Alex Ferguson: “Why’s that?”
Rafael Benitez: ” Every time he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!”
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
A father and son were eating breakfast. The father’s newspaper had the headline, “Van Gogh sold for £8 million”.
The son asked “Is he worth it, Dad?”
The father, surprised at his son’s interest in fine art, replied “I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?”
The son said “Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap.”
A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it’s neck with his bare hands.
Another man rushed to the scene and said, “I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read ‘Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!”
“No you can’t write that!” replied the man.
“But why not?” said the reporter.
“Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that’s why!” replied the man.
“Oh, okay then,” said the reporter, “I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!”
“You can’t write that either,” said the man.
“Why not?” asked the reporter.
“Because I am a Liverpool fan!” replied the man.
“Oh I see,” said the reporter, “How about this then, ‘Scouse ******* kills family pet!”
Steve Bruce signed a new superkid from foreign parts. On the first day of training, Steve Bruce gets a ball a says, “You get this and kick it at the goal.” The new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless.
The next day of training same thing happened. Steve Bruce says, “You get this and score a goal.” Again the kid looks bewildered but carries on.
The third day, the same thing: “You get this and score a goal.” Finally the foreign superkid gets up and says, “Boss, I speak very good English and know what to do.”
Steve Bruce says, “Sit down son, I’m talking to Heskey!”
At a recent Liverpool-Everton derby, Rafa Benitez goes into the Liverpool changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” he asks.
“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Everton and we can’t be bothered, we always beat them”.
Rafa looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”
So Rafa goes out to play for the Reds by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Liverpool 1 – Everton 0 (Benitez 10 minutes).” He is beating Everton all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on. “Result from Anfield: Liverpool 1 (Benitez 10 minutes) – Everton 1 (Cahill 89 minutes).”
They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”
“Don’t be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!” the players say.
To which Rafa replies: “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”
Q: What ship has never docked at Liverpool?
A: The Premiership!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and an Scouser?
A. A battery has a positive side.
St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 Liverpool fans showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven’s door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the 10 most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, “They’re gone.”
“What? All of the Liverpool fans are gone?” asked God.
“No” replied Saint Peter “The Pearly Gates!”
A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: “Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good.”
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn’t done anything particularly good in his life.
“Well,” says St Peter, “have you done anything particularly brave in your life?”
“Yes, I have,” replies the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, “I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end.”
“Yes,” responded St Peter, “I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?”
“Certainly,” the man replied, “about three minutes ago.”
Humor: Top 10 Football Jokes
In spite of the fact that football serenades are incredible in a football stadium, they are not perfect to sing at home. Regardless of jokes not being as basic or appealing as serenades, they are as yet valuable in ridiculing your opponents and can be utilized as a part of regular situations. Here are our main ten football jokes you can use amid Euro 2016 wagering and past.
A considerable lot of these are based around worldwide football groups and players, yet you merely need to substitute for the sake of the group or player of the individual you’re endeavouring to twist up – you can get a lot of mileage from these works of art.
“My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.”
“What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland? You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals.”
“During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope.” said João, age 6.”
“What’s the difference between England and a Tea Bag? The tea bag stays in the cup long.”
“I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the telephone down and returned to Football Manager.”
Top 10 iPhone Jokes To Crack You Up
The most popular smartphone on the planet, yet comes with a barrage of humor from the folk on the web. Here’s a collection of top 10 iPhones jokes that are bound to make you roll on the floor, laughing!
Q: How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone X?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.
What do you call an iPhone that isn’t kidding around?
Q: What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?
A: A dead wringer.
Q: Why is the Apple still reporting record profits?
A: Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them!
Q: What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?
A: iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP
Q: What do you get when you cross an iPhone 6 plus and skinny jeans?
A: A LG Flex.
Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed!
Q: How many Apple iPhone early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
Q: What do the latest iPhone applications do?
A: Whiten teeth and perform lasik eye surgery!
Q: According to Apple what is the leading cause of iPhones overheating?
A: Downloading images of Katy Perry!
For more such humorous jokes and rib ticklers, subscribe to The Humor Column today!
Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.
Top 5 Jokes On Travel and Voyage
Has the travel bug bitten you yet? Let’s take a look at the top 5 jokes on travel, that’s bound to make you laugh all day!
The Blonde and The Lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. ” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
The Father and The Lady
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?” “Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?” “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?” The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”
The Couple Travellers
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
The Gar-Lic Scene
A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me. After some moments I dared to ask her: “Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife.” The lady responded: “It is Chanel and from Paris.” After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out. Some seconds later she broke and said: “Offf… what is this smell my God”? I said: “Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California.”
The Canadian Tourist
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.” “Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!” The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
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Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.
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