I’m actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.
… people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up … I ask the questions around here, I’m Tiger Woods …
James Caan told me at the end of filming ‘Elf’ that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny – and I never was.
I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.
Will Ferrell (George Bush) … I’ve chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper … so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one …
Chris Kattan (Office Worker): … is there a problem with it? Will Ferrell (Mr. Tarkanian): … you do not hand in crap like this … this looks like you took a crap or a dump in the printer, you are scum, I should fire you and burn down your house, I am this close to raping you …
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): … I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama]
… Tina Fey (Sarah Palin): … Mr President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, I think its actually the other way around, I think the Vice President reports to the President … Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): … really, that’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down the first day …
Will Ferrell (Alex Trebek): … the sound a doggie makes … Darrell Hammond (Sean Connery): … moo … Will Ferrell (Alex Trebek): … no … Darrell Hammond (Sean Connery): … well that was the sound your mother made last night …
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): … it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts … and scientific data …
Top 10 Corny Jokes On Food
Here and there’s not at all like a decent, antiquated cheesy joke to put a grin all over. Terrible jokes or father jokes – call them what you will – here and there they simply do the trap.
As sustenance sweethearts, we’re apparently inclined toward jokes of the nourishment assortment. Some of them influence us to recoil somewhat, some of them are so cheesy they humiliate us, and some of them are merely extremely clever. Heading into Fourth of July, it’s an extraordinary time to outfit yourself with some family-accommodating and in fact cheesy jokes so that you can convey some funniness and happiness to your family picnic.
Here are some of our most loved cheesy nourishment jokes existing apart from everything else. Tell us your top choices in the remarks!
“What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?”
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Q: What did the baby corn say to its mom?
A: Where’s my pop corn?
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Mushroom walks in a bar, bartender says “Hey you can’t drink here.”
Mushroom says “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
A: They’d crack each other up!
Q. I tried to get into my house the other day, but I couldn’t. Wanna know why?
A. Because I had gnocchi!
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Source: Huffington Post
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The Definitive Christmas Wish List
A senior citizen’s Christmas wish list for all of mankind…
Iprods (available in 15,000 volt, 25,000 volt and 50,000 volt versions)
It’s about time someone combined the genius of walking sticks with the ingenuity of cattle prods to create a handy device for shocking oblivious young people who are stomping around leashed to their mp3 players and knocking down old people like god damned bowling pins.
Large Print Traffic Signs
I do a lot of driving and its damned frustrating when I can’t make out whether a sign says “one way”, “freeway” or “pedestrian crosswalk.” If it weren’t for giant red octagons I wouldn’t have a clue when I’m supposed to hit the brakes.
If you expect me to merge, exit or watch for children make signs big enough that a man can read the damned things.
Raising the Minimum Age of Doctors
Doctors are supposed to be sage old men with white hair, pot bellies and a black bag packed full of pills. The last Doctor I saw was about to give me a prostrate exam but the damned street lights came on and he had to go home.
It’s ridiculous. If someone is going to manhandling my nether regions I’d at least like them to be shaving regularly and have seen a woman naked outside of the confines of their examining room.
A GOP Debate that is Watchable
…and does more than just confirm their collective belief that there’s no such thing as evolution.
Scrapping the Food and Drug Administration
It’s time to toss health regulations out the window and let eating be the literal and figurative crap shoot God intended it to be.
Not only would it save money but it’s a good first step in slimming down damned young people too. After all, folks tend to be more cautious in their food consumption if there is a 30 per cent chance that what you’re eating contains enough Salmonella to kill an African Bush Elephant. And there is nothing like a good case of the collywobbles to help people develop a healthy respect for food and to encourage them to leave a little something other than just tongue marks on their dinner plate.
I’m sick of amusement parks pandering to children and believe the time is ripe for old folks to get their due. Forget the damned rolly-coasters, deep-fried turkey legs and overpriced gift shops, let’s set up a nice park full of slow moving trains, shaded benches, Betty Boop mascots and decent diversions like whack-a-teen, taffy pulling and bumper walkers.
Limits to Personal Freedom
In my day, freedom of speech was a figure of speech, not an open invitation to flash-mobbing, wiki-leaking, unruly occupying or anti-social nose-thumbing.
People need to stop hiding behind the skirt of civil liberties and read between the damned lines. Freedom of assembly was meant to protect the rights of groups like the Freemasons, the Elks Lodge and the Independent Order of Odd Fellows, not the South Dakota Chapter of Anarchy International.
Advances in Artificial Intelligence
Only because the real thing is in such woefully short supply.
The Humor Monologue
THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)
1. We usually keep the projector in the center of the stage, where the speakers speak. Today only the last speaker would use the projector. So Kees suggested that we put the projector in the corner of the room and bring it to the center when it’s needed.
2. The table topics master, Roxanna, gave topics like “speak about spring (season) in wood, spring in garden, spring in childhood etc.) One of the speakers, Justin, told that he would find lot of dog poop outside his home during spring.
3. During the meeting, couple of mobile phones rang and disturbed the speeches.
4. Radomir talked about apocalypse. He referred to the recent meteor hit.
5. Bieneke talked about the history of the campus where the place we meet is located. She told that 20 years ago, the room that we use for meeting used to be the dressing room for the soccer players.
6. Marc talked about a technique for remembering things – called ‘memory palace technique’, where you associate the things which you want to remember to the things in an imaginery palace that you build.
7. Rohit, the general evaluator, told that we haven’t used the guest book in the last 6 or 7 meetings. Normally guest book is used to collect the info about the guests that visit our club.
8. The structure of the meeting is like this – 1. Table topics 2. Prepared speeches 3. Evaluations. Today I was one of the evaluators.
1. Good evening dear toastmasters, guests, and the people who are here to change dresses.
2. You all know that I’m the second evaluator today. I would’ve preferred to sleep in the corner of the room until it was my turn to speak. Like the projector.
3. It’s bad that we don’t have a pillow here. But it’s good that we have a guest book.
4. Today we heard people speaking about spring in the wood, spring in the garden, spring in the childhood. I don’t know about all these things. But I know about the ring in the toastmasters meeting. Our ever-ringing mobile phone that is.
5. On the day that meteor hit the city, Justin was scared that the world would end. Because he saw something verryy strange. There was no dog poop outside his house.
6. I don’t care if the meteor destroys this campus or house or the city. I would be happy as long as it doesn’t destroy my memory palace.
7. Thank you Marcel, Marc, Mario, Bieneke, Tobias, Djean, Radomir, Wilhelm, Rohit, Kees, Roxanna. WoWWWW!! The memory palace technique works.
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