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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 10, 2018

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THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. There were 8 guests at the meeting, the highest ever.

2. One of the guests was from Bali, Indonesia. She said that during Indonesian New Year (in March), there would be no power supply, hence no mobile phones, no TV, no internet. Also they would fast the whole day.

3. One of the speakers talked about the progression from 1G to 5G in mobile phones. He was initially nervous, but later on gained confidence. His speech evaluator said that he could’ve made a strong opening like “Do you know there are many phones than the number of people using it?”

4. Maha was the stop-word counter.

5. The emcee of the meeting had to stand during the whole meeting because we had less number of chairs.

6. One of the table-topics was given to a guest named Gabriela. The topic was “Do you believe in God?”

7. One of the table-topics was “If you can go sky high, what would you like to do?”

8. The emcee of the meeting said that nobody is perfect, everybody is here to learn.

9. The emcee said that in Romania, on the New Year’s Day, they wear yellow underwear for good luck, red for love, and white for peace.

10. One of the speakers told that you’re never tool old to do something.

11. One of the speakers used a catchy word “resounding”, which grabbed everyone’s attention

12. Word of the day was “Ambassador”.

The Humor Monologue
1. I want to make a “RESOUNDING” opening. How about this? Do you know that today we have more guests with mobile phones than members with mobile phones?
(Usage of the word “resounding” to grab everyone’s attention. Implied punchline that the number of guests were more than the members)

2. In the past, we would have just one guest, then 2 guests, then 3, today 8 guests. Nice progression from 1G to 8G.
(Adapted the speech theme of progressing from 1G to 5G to use it for the G word Guest)

3. I have a friend whose first name is “Bas” and last name is “Hodor”. He would always introduce himself as “I’m Bas Hodor” “I’m Bas Hodor”.
(Word play on the word-of-the-day Ambassador. Hodor is actually a name of character from The Game of Thrones. I just happened to remember that and made word play out of it)

4. Look at the irony. The ah-ha counter has ah-ha in her name. Maha.
(Irony is mostly funny. Good observation.)

5. Another irony. The chair of the meeting doesn’t have a chair.
(Wordplay. And another good observation.)

6. When the table-topics master called Gabrielle to speak on the topic “Do you believe in God?”, she was like “OH MY GOD!”
(Very good response. Linking one’s fear of public speaking with the table-topic itself.)

7. My New Year resolution is to “stop drinking” unless you’re getting the beer for free.
(Self deprecation. Cheap)

8. If I can go sky high, I would like to stay there… far far away from my wife.
(My usual wife roast)

9. Dinil started his speech at 1G speed and finished his speech in a bang at 5G speed.
(Used his speech topic as his speech evaluation)

10. Sashi, you said that nobody is perfect. I would like to kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”.
(Opposite of self deprecation. It’s kind of mild arrogance. Adding the word “kindly” in front of the punchline to make it sound like it’s not arrogant, but joke. It also hides the punchline coming.)

11. In Bali, no TV, no internet, no mobile phones on New Years Day. It doesn’t sound like a New Year. It sounds like going back to Old Year 1860.
(Observation that not using any device doesn’t sound like New Year, rather very old age)

12. In Bali, they fast on the New Year’s Day. Even I fast on Jan 1. And on Jan 2, I start eating, and say to myself, “Forget it. I’m not losing weight this year too.”
(Implied punchline that my New Year resolution is to lose weight. Self deprecation that I can’t follow my resolution even for one day.)

[Following 5 jokes are series of jokes on the same theme, which got huge response]
13. I don’t believe in good luck. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in peace. I mean I never wear an underwear.
(Paints a funny picture. Self deprecation)

14. What? You don’t believe me? [gestures like going to lower the trouser]
(Again paints a funny picture)

15. My New Year resolution is to start wearing one.
(Following up on the theme and linking it with New Year Resolution)

16. I hope I’m not too old for it.
(Callback to one of the motivational quote said during the meeting. Using that quote for wearing an underwear is funny.)

17. Before leaving, I would like to kindly kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”
(Callback to my earlier line in the same monologue. Also irony that I’m not even wearing an underwear but saying I’m perfect.)

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Rib Ticklers: Top Superman Jokes

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As much as we adore the Man of Steel, we can’t deny that he’d make a lousy stand-up humorist.

Q: Where does Superman park his privates?
A: On Lois Lane

Q: What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day?
A: “That’s mighty bigamy!”

Q: What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
A: “That’s awful bigamy!”

Q: What would you find in Superman’s bathroom?
A: Superbowl.

Q: What do you get if you cross the man of steel with a hot beef broth?
A: Souperman!

Q: Why did Superman flush the toilet?
A: Because it was his duty!

Q: What is Supermans favorite part of the joke?
A: The “punch” line!

Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

Q: What is Supermans favorite drink?
A: Fruit punch!

Q: What does Superman put in his beverages?
A: Just ice.

Superman looked at Bruce Wayne and said: “Stop acting like a bat boy, ok Batman?”

Three Drunks:

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, “You know, it’s a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!” The second drunk says, “You’re crazy!” The first drunk says, “I’m serious! Watch!” The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top! The second drunk says, “Let me try!” So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT! The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you’re drunk!”

Four Corners

There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find an extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with an amazing ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold.

Q:Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.

Superpowers

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spider-man to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “Did you hear anything?” “NO”! said the Invisible Man, “But my ass hurts like hell!”

Magic Drink

One day, a woman walks into a bar. Before she decides to order, a man comes flying up to her. He said “Try this magic drink!! It will make you fly!!” So the woman orders that drink, and tests it out. She jumped off the roof, and falls to her death. The bartender says to the man, “Superman, your such a jerk when your drunk.”

Source: Jokes4Us

For more such humorous tales, subscribe to The Humor Column today!

Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.

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Rib-Ticklers: Top 10 Funny Office Jokes

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Well well, you might be staring at the screen with countless rumbling about all the work you have right now. Are we right, or are we right?

Here’s a set of 10 relatable office jokes that while tickle your funny bone while you are at it:

1. Ron walks into the boss’s cabin and says. “Sir, I’ll be damn straight with you, I know that the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies chasing after me, and I should get a raise.” After few minutes of arguing, boss finally agrees him to give a 5% raise, and Ron happily gets up to leave.

“By the way Ron”, asks the boss while Ron was about to leave, “which 3 companies are chasing after you?”

Ron: “The phone company, electric company, and the water company”

2. A frustrated junior employee dialed the number of his boss by mistake & said :
Hey you.. send a coffee in my room in 2 minutes !……….
Boss shouted angrily : Hey, Do you know whom you’re talking to ?!!
Junior : No ! Who the hell is this ?
Boss: I am the boss of this office.
Junior (without any change in aggressive tone) : …and do you know whom you are talking to?
Boss: No!
Junior: Oh Thank God… (and disconnected the phone)….. 😀

3. Boss: “From the day I fired you from the job;  you come and shit in front of my house every single day. What’s your problem ?? I will call the police”
John: “Sir, It’s just to remind you that even after your fired me from the job, I didn’t die without food”

4. Ron once calls his boss’s home and asks for his boss
His boss’s wife receives the call and says “your boss died last week”
The next day Ron again calls.
Boss’ wife receives the call and replies the same
Day after that, Ron calls again
This time Boss’s wife gets angry. “Why does u call everyday even after I told u that he died?”
Ron replies “It just feels good to hear again and again that he’s dead”

5. In an Indian government office, A notice was written on board
“Keep silence. Don’t make any noise”
Somebody wrote under it
“Otherwise employees will wake up from their sleep”

6. Q: What would you call a situation of 100 bosses buried up in sand till their necks ??
A: Lack of Sand !!

7. Once upon a time 20 CEOs of 20 Software companies were invited on an airplane and told that they were about to experience first ever completely autopilot driven flight from take off to landing.

Then each one of the CEOs was called in a private room and told that the system software for the Full-autopilot plane was made by his company. 19 out of 20 CEOs left the aircraft, making some kind of excuse.

One CEO remain seated confidently taking sip of champagne, the crew asked “Wow, you do have a lot of faith in your company”.

CEO said calmly : “No, it’s not that ! If the plane’s software is made by my company, it won’t even take off!!”

8. Q: What does a slinky and your boss have in common?
A: It’s a lot of fun to watch both tumble down the stairs.

9. How to catch a Lion  ?
Programmer’s way : Try to trap a lion in a normal cage with simple bait like a goat tied inside of it. If it doesn’t come, change the structure of the cage, if it still doesn’t come, change the bait with deer. This way keep making slight moderations in only these 2 things until the lion is trapped.
Team Lead way : Ask the best hunter to catch the lion, meanwhile keep communicating the progress to the circus management ensuring the lion would be caught without making a slight contribution to the actual process.
Manager’s Way : Keep calling meetings and pushing hard the hunters to catch the lion, if they refuse, send a serious mail with so “pain in the ass” complicated vocabulary that hunter’s find best to give more time and efforts in catching the lion than replying to them. Praise the hunters with false appreciation when they catch a lion and when time comes to pay for it, say we wanted a tiger, not a lion so your performance was not that good and we can’t pay you as much as you expect.
L2 Support Team Member’s way : First read a book on “How to catch lions”. Then perform each step written in the book so slowly (with fear that you might make a mistake) that the Lion becomes so bored and frustrated that he surrenders himself and never raises a request again.
HR Manager’s way : Whenever Lion puts a foot ahead of its territory, start sending him PDFs and Links for the jungle policies and consequences of what can happen if he doesn’t follow them. Even if he follows them, keep sending him the policy update mails and Do’s and Don’ts in the jungle so that lion becomes annoyed and thinks of committing suicide a better way than making automated rules in MS outlook to get rid of them.

10. Two women talking in an office :
First Woman :  “I can make my boss give me the day off .”
Second woman :  “And how would you do that?”
First woman : “Just wait and see.”
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and says, “What are you doing?”
First woman : “I’m a light bulb. I’m a light bulb.”
Boss : ” I think you’ve gone crazy, working so much. You should take the day off.”
First woman starts leaving and the second one follows her to the door.
Boss to second woman : “Where do you think you’re going ?”
Second Woman: “Are you crazy ? There’s no light bulb now, how would I work in the dark ??”

Did it crack you up? Do subscribe to The Humor Column for more jokes!

Source: Digital Alcohol

 

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Top 30 Weird Collections of Celebrities

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C:\Users\Sreeyesh\Desktop\283852-collection.jpg

Celebrities have their quirks – sometimes, crazy ones! A number of famous musicians, actors, and athletes collect unusual things. Sure, some famous people like to collect rare and vintage items. However, some funny celebrity collections include weapons, and other weird celebrity collections even revolve around bugs.

Look at this list and tell us which one you consider the weirdest

  1. Angelina Jolie collects knives, as well as first edition books.

C:\Users\Sreeyesh\Desktop\10-Unusual-Celebrity-Collections-N7.-Angelina-Jolie.jpg

2.Johnny Depp has dozens and dozens of special edition Barbie dolls.

3. Nicole Kidman has an impressive coin collection that includes some rare ancient coins of Judea.

C:\Users\Sreeyesh\Desktop\Strange Hobbies-006.jpg

4. Brad Pitt collects metal art and metal furniture. He has even designed some pieces himself.

5. Leonardo Di Caprio has an impressive collection of vintage toys. In 2001, he auctioned off a variety of items for charity bringing in a grand total of $110,000.

6. Demi Moore has thousands of fine porcelain dolls in her collection.

7. Jay-Z has one of the most impressive accessory collections known to man. He even owns the most expensive watch in the world – Hublot’s the “Big Bang,” which Beyonce bought for him for $5 million.

8. Penélope Cruz has a thing for coat hangers, with over 500 non-metal ones in her collection.

9. Victoria Beckham owns more than 100 Birkin bags that cost anywhere from $10,000 to $150,000 each.

10. Amanda Seyfried has a growing taxidermy collection.

11. Rosie O’Donnell has a huge collection of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys.

12. Ben Stiller is a Trekkie, and as such, has a big collection of Star Trek memorabilia.

13. Kelsey Grammer has a collection of rare, first-edition books.

14. Dolly Parton collects anything related to butterflies. She even named her 1974 album Love Is Like A Butterfly.

15. Claudia Schiffer collects insects in her free time.

16. Quinton Tarantino has a collection of TV show-themed board games.

17. Blues Brother Dan Akroyd collects old police IDs.

18. Mike Tyson has a collection of tigers.

C:\Users\Sreeyesh\Desktop\f5f28200ef05d0dfcf92c2b5459de073.jpg

19. Janet Jackson collects little figurines of pigs.

20. Tom Hanks collects vintage typewriters.

21. Jay Leno is well known for his collection of cars.

22. Lou Ferrigno is an avid Beanie Baby collector.

23. Nicholas Cage is a big nerd. He collects comic books.

24. Reese Witherspoon’s thing is antique linen.

25. Christina Aguilera is known to collect street art and graffiti.

26. Carrie Fisher, has a collection of animal portraits.

27. Martin Scorsese has a collection of movie posters.

28. Paris Hilton hunts frogs

29. Whoopi Goldberg – has an unusual collection of Bakelite Jewelry

30. Norman Reedus collects breast implants.

C:\Users\Sreeyesh\Desktop\Norman-Reedus-Breast-Implant-630x472.jpg

Which do you think is the weirdest?

Disclaimer: Photographs utilized by this page is not the sole property of the page or it administrators; the photos utilized by us come from around the worldwide web and are shared publicly.

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