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Don Mills Saves America: Part Two – Gay Marriage

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Today, I take on the issue of gay marriage.

This is a bit of a foreign topic for me. Back in the 1950s there were only about 3 dozen homosexuals worldwide and they were largely dancers, florists or Republican congressmen. (I’m no Anita Bryant but I have it on good authority that the sudden increase in homosexuality we experienced in the 1960s had something to do with the hippie movement, brassiere burning and the smoking of LSD.)

Regardless of the cause, it seems nowadays you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping. It’s a bigger fad than poodle skirts, whiffle balls or abstract expressionism for Christ’s sake.

I didn’t mind when we gave homosexuals the right to vote, own property or allowed them basic human rights but I have to draw the line at gay marriage. It’s not that I’m overly concerned about issues of morality – in my view, the “S.S. Hell in a Handcart” sailed years ago and it’s only a matter of time until every damned one of us is spending an eternity getting stabbed in the ass with a flaming pitchfork anyway. It’s just that it’s damned preposterous.

The sole purpose of marriage is rapid and repeated procreation. Everyone knows that the nonsense about love and companionship is just window dressing used to make it more palatable to idealistic young people until such time as age and experience can beat the hopeless optomism out them. Marriage is about having children, putting on weight and losing your hair without fear of ending up alone. It’s an institution – like churches, schools and prisons.

Besides, nowadays the whole concept of matrimony has been butchered beyond recognition. No one stays married anymore. Any disagreement over pizza toppings or paint colors becomes an irreconcilable difference and grounds for immediate divorce. In my day we limited our reasons for separation to serious issues like an inability to bear children, madness or a being an untameable shrew.

It seems to me that we need put our own house in order before we start selling our faltering institutions to others. In business, most things with a 50 per cent failure rate are pulled from the shelves – not marketed to a larger audience.

So I’m sorry but I have to give a straight out “NO” to gay marriage. It’s regrettable, but in my opinion homosexuals will just have to find some other damned way to make each other miserable.

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Funny Weirdo Haircuts Drive Us Nuts!

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The problem with young people today is that they have crazy haircuts.

In my day, a lad had two choices for a haircut – a crew cut or a flat top and both cost 50 cents. You went to the barber every Saturday morning with your old dad, had your ears raised and were grateful to look like every other kid on your block.

But these young people today. They all want to “express themselves” with their weirdo hairdos!

They walk around with their spiky bangs, corn rows, streaky uplifts, mohawks, faux hawks and wigged out sideburns. It’s a carnival freak show but without the popcorn.

If I had ever come home with a multi-colored mullet and a bum fluff goatee my old dad would have used me as a stump and split a cord of wood on my back.

It’s showy and disrespectful. Plumped and preening like a bunch of randy roosters let loose in a hen house. Disgraceful. I say they should round those damned young people up and sheer them down like the sheep they’re supposed to be.

It’s dangerous I tell you and it leads to anarchy and loose morals. It won’t be long before willy nilly hair styles aren’t enough for them anymore and they start frothing at the mouth, burning down post offices, practicing communism and forcing seniors to sport dreadlocks, rattails, moptops and worse.

And mark my god damned words, when that day comes we are all going to be well and truly sorry.

They have crazy haircuts. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Oh God! Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up

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The problem with young people today is that they’re too damned soft.

In my day, young people were tough, damn it. We were gristly, sinewy and hard as nails. My generation was forged in a furnace of fiery parents, sweltering outhouses, creamed chip beef and the type of childhood diseases that either killed you or put some damned hair on your chest.

We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.

But these young people today? They’re marshmallows. And the similarity extends beyond their squishy plumpness and incredible lack of taste. Most have never done a lick of honest work and wouldn’t recognized a calloused palm if you clapped them across the ear with one.

They don’t understand what it means to sacrifice or to go without. For them, sacrifice is eating an unfrosted pop tart, fornicating with an unflavored condom or settling for less than an unlimited phone plan. Take away their cushy duvets, parental fawning and Junior Shopper credit cards and they wouldn’t last 5 damned minutes in the cold hard world.

And they’re emotionally soft too. Call a young person a worthless ninnyhammer and he’ll whinge, cry and fold up like a house of cards just to prove you right. Criticism’s considered some form of abuse instead of what it’s supposed to be – a practical assessment of your obvious limitations and some damned motivation to prove me wrong.

Face facts, this country is deep in the toilet and one flush away from becoming “Runningdoghai” the 23rd Province of the People’s Republic of China. If we ever want to return our nation to its former glory we need to stop raising a generation of spongy cry-babies and get back to work on hardening our resolve, our bodies and our minds.

They’re too damned soft. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Sensible Careers – A Joke!

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It’s high time we brought back good old fashioned jobs like costermongers, spittleman, wheeltappers, pettifoggers, pig jobbers, quarrel pickers and knock knobblers.

American Barbershop Idol

Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.

Cursive Writing

And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.

The Power of Positive Gumption

All this new age, positive-thinking hokum smacks me as being the worst kind of bumph since Clark Stanley sold his first bottle of snake oil elixir back in 1893.

Positive thinking as a means to an end is like the American Dream – it’s fine in theory but really only helpful to those with good genes, rich families and access to a decent education. For everyone else – it’s sleight of hand and empty platitudes.

For 2012, instead of folks assuming they can set their life right with little more than a combination of visualizations, affirmations and positive mental brainwaves, I’d like to see people attempting to set reasonable goals and then achieving them through a combination of hard work, determination and the power of positive gumption.

Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.

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