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A Few Funny One-Liners

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Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.

Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.

Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it’ll always get you the RIGHT ONES.

I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house

I’m so bright my mother calls me son.

My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

One hat said to the other you stay here I’ll go on a head

What fits your schedule better……Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says – “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw”

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Hey, I changed my password to incorrect because if I forget, it would say your password is incorrect!

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk

A butcher goes on a first date and says ‘It was nice meating you’

two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other ”you look upset” the other one says ”I know i was brought up around here.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Don’t tell a secrets in a cornfield. There a too many ears

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Why does no one on icarly have a dad?

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas! (hilarious)

I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it’s delivered by a car it’s a shipment?

Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.

“When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot……that way people visit more often.”

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don’t have to heat hot water?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”

 

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Humor: Top 10 Facebook Jokes

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Facebook isn’t only a long range interpersonal communication site any longer. It has turned into a social wonder. In any critical ways, our lives are reliant on or fragmented without Facebook. Envision being not able to offer your birthday photos with your companions over the world. Or on the other hand not having the capacity to know the most recent that is occurring in the local area.

The virtual universe of Facebook with notices, photographs, posts and jabs has more genuine to us than our whole lives That is the reason, similar to some other consuming social wonder; there are a few jokes on Facebook also. We have assembled a gathering of the most ingenious jokes about Facebook here.

Facebook Joke 1:

Facebook is like a jail. You have mugshot profile picture.

You spend all your time writing on walls. And some totally undesirable people poke you around unnecessarily.

Facebook Joke 2:

A grandmother left her farm, barn, horses, chickens, pigs and $1million cash to her granddaughter. The granddaughter was overwhelmed and said “Granny, I never knew you had so many assets.

Where are they?” The grandmother’s last word on her death-bed was ‘Facebook’.

Facebook Joke 3:

Teacher asks student, “What do you call a place where people talk to themselves, write on walls, cook imaginary food in fictional cafes, grow crops that do not exist and count make-believe money?”

Student answers, ‘Mental hospital.’

Teacher growls, ‘ No you idiot. Facebook.’

Facebook Joke 4:

If Facebook is a fridge then we keep opening it every few seconds to see if there is anything interesting in it!

Facebook Joke 5:

When do you officially become a Facebook stalker?

When you notice that someone’s Facebook profile picture changes and you are not even their friend!

Facebook Joke 6:

What is the new face of communalism?

Facebook groups! People are so freaking aggressive about it!

Facebook Joke 7:

Why do Facebook users have lower grades than non-Facebook users?

Mushroom Coffee: All You Need To Know About This New Fad Weekly Predictions For Each Zodiac Sign: 8th-14th April, 2018 Does Milk Help You To Improve Your Skin Tone? Featured Posts

This is because you do not need to use your brains to be on Facebook.

Facebook Joke 8:

The Facebook status of a girl committing suicide; ‘My Twitter account can remarry now…’

Facebook Joke 9:

What does a man tell God after he just dies?

Please let me go back. I forgot to tell my to wife to change her relationship status!

Facebook Joke 10:

Where will you find a man with too many debts? On Facebook trying to earn some cash in Mafia Wars!

Source: BoldSky

For more such jokes, subscribe to The Humor Column today!

 

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Humor: Top 5 Funny Jokes Ever

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If you love humor, this is the one for you. Here’s a collection of top 5 funniest jokes of all time!

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

 —
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
I believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald’s or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes. 
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No…
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No…
Boy: Good! *walks away*
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions! 
For more such humorous tales and jokes, subscribe to The Humor Column today!

Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.

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Top 5 Hilarious Jokes on Batman

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For what reason do we like making Batman jokes? Is it because – regardless of the character being something made for kids – there’s unavoidable obscurity that exemplifies the style, as well as figured out how to spread out through whatever is left of the ordinance?

To such an extent that even the animated arrangement feels darker than consistent youngsters’ modifying? Or on the other hand is it because the idea of a developed man and his more youthful companion circling in tights offers to us in an adolescent and guileless way? Or then again perhaps it’s simply straightforward to make bat-based plays on words. Whatever the reason, we’ve assembled a rundown of our most loved jokes and plays on words in light of our most loved caped crusader. What’s more, indeed, these are the Batman jokes that you merit, and need.

What Happens When Batman Sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises

What Do You Call It When Batman Skips Church?
Christian Bale

When Is Joker Not Plotting A Murder?
When he’s riding his Harley!

What’s The Difference Between Batman & A Robber
Batman can go into a store without Robin!

Batman & Robin Go Camping In The Desert:After setting up their tent and falling asleep,  Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, “ I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?”
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
“Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

Did this crack you up well? For more such rib ticklers, subscribe to The Humor Column today!

Source: The Ranker

 

 

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