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Humor in Geography: Wyoming Jokes

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Q: How do people in Wyoming celebrate Halloween?
A: Pump kin!

Q: Why do ducks fly over Wyoming upside down?
A: There’s nothing worth craping on!

Q. What’s the difference between a University of Wyoming sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: What’s the most popular pick up line in Wyoming?
A: Nice tooth!

Q: Why do folks from Wyoming go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.

Q: Why did Wyoming raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Q: What does a Cowboys grad call a Broncos grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!

I’m not saying Wyoming Cowboys basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game. The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is “The Wave” banned in War Memorial Stadium?
A: Two Cowboys fans drowned last year.

Q: Why did the Wyoming regents decide to cover War Memorial Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Cowboys always look better on paper.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Idaho to Wyoming?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: Why aren’t Wyoming cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.

Q: Why do all the trees in Idaho lean east?
A: Wyoming Sucks

Q: What does a girl from Cheyenne do if she’s not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.

Q: Why do Wyoming Cowboys basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it’s the closet they will come to getting a “Degree”.

Q: Why do Laramie County Community College students have such beautiful noses?
A: They’re hand picked.

Q: Why did Wyoming disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What’s the difference between a Laramie County Community College diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every Laramie County Community College diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the Casper College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Laramie County Community College.

Q: Why should the Wyoming Cowboys change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Q: What’s the one thing that keeps Cowboys basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.

Q: Why did the Wyoming Cowboys football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Q: How is a Laramie girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.

Q: What do Wyoming Catholic College grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you break a Laramie County Community College grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: How do you get a Wyoming Cowboys fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.

Q: Why do Wyoming fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: Why did Wyoming change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Cowboys cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.

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Funny Weirdo Haircuts Drive Us Nuts!

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The problem with young people today is that they have crazy haircuts.

In my day, a lad had two choices for a haircut – a crew cut or a flat top and both cost 50 cents. You went to the barber every Saturday morning with your old dad, had your ears raised and were grateful to look like every other kid on your block.

But these young people today. They all want to “express themselves” with their weirdo hairdos!

They walk around with their spiky bangs, corn rows, streaky uplifts, mohawks, faux hawks and wigged out sideburns. It’s a carnival freak show but without the popcorn.

If I had ever come home with a multi-colored mullet and a bum fluff goatee my old dad would have used me as a stump and split a cord of wood on my back.

It’s showy and disrespectful. Plumped and preening like a bunch of randy roosters let loose in a hen house. Disgraceful. I say they should round those damned young people up and sheer them down like the sheep they’re supposed to be.

It’s dangerous I tell you and it leads to anarchy and loose morals. It won’t be long before willy nilly hair styles aren’t enough for them anymore and they start frothing at the mouth, burning down post offices, practicing communism and forcing seniors to sport dreadlocks, rattails, moptops and worse.

And mark my god damned words, when that day comes we are all going to be well and truly sorry.

They have crazy haircuts. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Oh God! Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up

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The problem with young people today is that they’re too damned soft.

In my day, young people were tough, damn it. We were gristly, sinewy and hard as nails. My generation was forged in a furnace of fiery parents, sweltering outhouses, creamed chip beef and the type of childhood diseases that either killed you or put some damned hair on your chest.

We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.

But these young people today? They’re marshmallows. And the similarity extends beyond their squishy plumpness and incredible lack of taste. Most have never done a lick of honest work and wouldn’t recognized a calloused palm if you clapped them across the ear with one.

They don’t understand what it means to sacrifice or to go without. For them, sacrifice is eating an unfrosted pop tart, fornicating with an unflavored condom or settling for less than an unlimited phone plan. Take away their cushy duvets, parental fawning and Junior Shopper credit cards and they wouldn’t last 5 damned minutes in the cold hard world.

And they’re emotionally soft too. Call a young person a worthless ninnyhammer and he’ll whinge, cry and fold up like a house of cards just to prove you right. Criticism’s considered some form of abuse instead of what it’s supposed to be – a practical assessment of your obvious limitations and some damned motivation to prove me wrong.

Face facts, this country is deep in the toilet and one flush away from becoming “Runningdoghai” the 23rd Province of the People’s Republic of China. If we ever want to return our nation to its former glory we need to stop raising a generation of spongy cry-babies and get back to work on hardening our resolve, our bodies and our minds.

They’re too damned soft. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Sensible Careers – A Joke!

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It’s high time we brought back good old fashioned jobs like costermongers, spittleman, wheeltappers, pettifoggers, pig jobbers, quarrel pickers and knock knobblers.

American Barbershop Idol

Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.

Cursive Writing

And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.

The Power of Positive Gumption

All this new age, positive-thinking hokum smacks me as being the worst kind of bumph since Clark Stanley sold his first bottle of snake oil elixir back in 1893.

Positive thinking as a means to an end is like the American Dream – it’s fine in theory but really only helpful to those with good genes, rich families and access to a decent education. For everyone else – it’s sleight of hand and empty platitudes.

For 2012, instead of folks assuming they can set their life right with little more than a combination of visualizations, affirmations and positive mental brainwaves, I’d like to see people attempting to set reasonable goals and then achieving them through a combination of hard work, determination and the power of positive gumption.

Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.

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