Q: What do the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!
Q: What’s the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Columbus Blue Jackets?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.
Q: Why do Blue Jackets fans drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup’s always in Detroit!
Q: Why did the Blue Jackets enforcer retire early?
A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!
Q: Why don’t the Blue Jackets drink tea?
A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Q: What do you call 5 Columbus Blue Jackets players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why are the Blue Jackets like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.
Q: What does a recent high school dropout and the Columbus Blue Jackets have in common?
A: They’re both young, have no goals and no good prospects.
Q: What’s the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Blue Jackets tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Blue Jackets tickets.
Q: What’s the difference between a fat chick and the Blue Jackets?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!
Q: Why do the Blue Jackets suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.
Q: What is it called when a Columbus Blue Jackets player blows in another Blue Jackets players ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do college students and the Blue Jackets have in common?
A: They’ve both finished their year by April.
Q: What’s blue and orange and goes down the toilet faster than Liquid Plumber?
A: The Columbus Blue Jackets
Q: What do a fine wine and the Columbus Blue Jackets have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Blue Jackets players on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Blue Jackets fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!
Q: What do you get when you combine all 23 Columbus Blue Jackets with 23 lesbians?
A: Fourty-Six people that dont do dick!
Q: What is the difference between a Columbus Blue Jackets fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!
Q: What song do Columbus Blue Jackets fans sing before the end of the third period?
A: Nobody knows. There’s never any of them left.
Q: Whats the difference between the Columbus Blue Jackets and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.
Q: What do the Columbus Blue Jackets and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What is the difference between a Blue Jackets fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: Did you hear the Columbus Blue Jackets are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!
Q: What do I have in common with the Columbus Blue Jackets?
A: Next week, we’ll both be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.
Q: What do Columbus Blue Jackets fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How many Columbus Blue Jackets does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Columbus Blue Jackets.
Q: How can you tell if a Blue Jackets fan just sent you a fax?
A: There’s a stamp on it!
Q: What do the Columbus Blue Jackets and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 15,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ”.
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Columbus Blue Jackets fan?
A: The bucket.
Funny Weirdo Haircuts Drive Us Nuts!
The problem with young people today is that they have crazy haircuts.
In my day, a lad had two choices for a haircut – a crew cut or a flat top and both cost 50 cents. You went to the barber every Saturday morning with your old dad, had your ears raised and were grateful to look like every other kid on your block.
But these young people today. They all want to “express themselves” with their weirdo hairdos!
They walk around with their spiky bangs, corn rows, streaky uplifts, mohawks, faux hawks and wigged out sideburns. It’s a carnival freak show but without the popcorn.
If I had ever come home with a multi-colored mullet and a bum fluff goatee my old dad would have used me as a stump and split a cord of wood on my back.
It’s showy and disrespectful. Plumped and preening like a bunch of randy roosters let loose in a hen house. Disgraceful. I say they should round those damned young people up and sheer them down like the sheep they’re supposed to be.
It’s dangerous I tell you and it leads to anarchy and loose morals. It won’t be long before willy nilly hair styles aren’t enough for them anymore and they start frothing at the mouth, burning down post offices, practicing communism and forcing seniors to sport dreadlocks, rattails, moptops and worse.
And mark my god damned words, when that day comes we are all going to be well and truly sorry.
They have crazy haircuts. That’s the problem with young people today.
Oh God! Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up
The problem with young people today is that they’re too damned soft.
In my day, young people were tough, damn it. We were gristly, sinewy and hard as nails. My generation was forged in a furnace of fiery parents, sweltering outhouses, creamed chip beef and the type of childhood diseases that either killed you or put some damned hair on your chest.
We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.
But these young people today? They’re marshmallows. And the similarity extends beyond their squishy plumpness and incredible lack of taste. Most have never done a lick of honest work and wouldn’t recognized a calloused palm if you clapped them across the ear with one.
They don’t understand what it means to sacrifice or to go without. For them, sacrifice is eating an unfrosted pop tart, fornicating with an unflavored condom or settling for less than an unlimited phone plan. Take away their cushy duvets, parental fawning and Junior Shopper credit cards and they wouldn’t last 5 damned minutes in the cold hard world.
And they’re emotionally soft too. Call a young person a worthless ninnyhammer and he’ll whinge, cry and fold up like a house of cards just to prove you right. Criticism’s considered some form of abuse instead of what it’s supposed to be – a practical assessment of your obvious limitations and some damned motivation to prove me wrong.
Face facts, this country is deep in the toilet and one flush away from becoming “Runningdoghai” the 23rd Province of the People’s Republic of China. If we ever want to return our nation to its former glory we need to stop raising a generation of spongy cry-babies and get back to work on hardening our resolve, our bodies and our minds.
They’re too damned soft. That’s the problem with young people today.
Sensible Careers – A Joke!
It’s high time we brought back good old fashioned jobs like costermongers, spittleman, wheeltappers, pettifoggers, pig jobbers, quarrel pickers and knock knobblers.
American Barbershop Idol
Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.
And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.
The Power of Positive Gumption
All this new age, positive-thinking hokum smacks me as being the worst kind of bumph since Clark Stanley sold his first bottle of snake oil elixir back in 1893.
Positive thinking as a means to an end is like the American Dream – it’s fine in theory but really only helpful to those with good genes, rich families and access to a decent education. For everyone else – it’s sleight of hand and empty platitudes.
For 2012, instead of folks assuming they can set their life right with little more than a combination of visualizations, affirmations and positive mental brainwaves, I’d like to see people attempting to set reasonable goals and then achieving them through a combination of hard work, determination and the power of positive gumption.
Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.
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