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Craziest of the Batman Fan Theories

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What really happened to Bruce Wayne’s parents in that alleyway? Where does the Joker come from and why is he so obsessed with the Bat? What makes Alfred so dedicated to Bruce, to the point of basically being a surrogate father figure? Some fans think they’ve figured out the answers to these questions and more, and if not, they’re at least fun to think about. Are these fans as crazy as the Joker or are the answers hiding in plain sight? Here are 15 Batman fan theories that will freak you out!

  • BATMAN MURDERED THE JOKER

Batman famously only has one rule that he refuses to break: he does not kill. One popular theory suggests that in Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke, after the Joker had tortured and possibly killed Barbara Gordon and pushed Batman to the end of his limits, Batman breaks his rule. DC later worked The Killing Joke into its continuity, but it was originally intended as a standalone story.

The final panels show Batman starting to laugh hysterically at the Joker’s final joke. One panel shows Batman’s hands resting near the Joker’s throat, and in the final two panels, the laughter ceases, as if cut off. The animated version of The Killing Joke pushes it one step further. With the two men laughing, Batman slowly rests his hands just below the Joker’s throat, and as the camera pans down, the Joker suddenly goes silent as Batman continues to laugh maniacally.

  • THE JOKER KNOWS HE’S IN A COMIC BOOK

The Joker’s one prevailing character trait throughout every portrayal of him is that he’s completely insane. Fans have tried for decades to come up with methods to his madness, but one particularly interesting theory suggests that it’s not madness at all. The Joker is actually afflicted with “super-sanity.”

This affliction is actually mentioned by name in Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum. He sees everything in the world as it truly is and understands the ridiculousness of a world that worships a man dressed as a bat who wears his underwear on the outside, a world with Penguin-themed criminals and a Calendar Man. He realizes this kind of logic could only exist in a comic book, which is why he appears so sadistic. His violence only entertains the readers. This explains why he’s spoken directly to the reader on occasion with lines like, “You’re not gonna wanna miss this.”

  • ROBIN IS A FAILSAFE WEAPON AGAINST BATMAN

On one hand, it doesn’t make much sense for Batman to constantly endanger the life of a child by bringing him along for fights against sadistic killers and mutant beasts. For a superhero, one would even say it’s pretty irresponsible, but what if there’s another reason Batman trains Robin?

It’s well known that Batman has a contingency protocol of weaknesses against every member of the Justice League in case they should one day turn to evil, but what if Batman himself is compromised? Who knows more about Batman than Robin? Who knows all his combat techniques, all his gadgets, all his secrets, all his weaknesses? As the only person trained under the Dark Knight, Robin is the only person who could take Batman out if he ever went dark.

  • BATMAN IS ACTUALLY THE VILLAIN

Bruce Wayne is basically rich beyond spending capacity. With all that money, shouldn’t he be able to clean up crime just by investing in law enforcement training, prison security and Gotham’s infrastructure? Batman is constantly beating up thugs who have to take jobs as petty crooks just to get by in Gotham, but Bruce has enough money to make every citizen in the city rich.

However, Bruce has an obsession. He needs to beat people up. He needs to leave the supervillains alive, so they can escape the non-secure prisons, so he can beat them up again. Batman is a master strategist, and he knows that his methods keep crime rampant, so he never has to give up being Batman. Even Batman: The Animated Series understood this, asking in the season two episode, “Trial,” “Did the criminals of Gotham create Batman or did he create them?”

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Funny Weirdo Haircuts Drive Us Nuts!

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The problem with young people today is that they have crazy haircuts.

In my day, a lad had two choices for a haircut – a crew cut or a flat top and both cost 50 cents. You went to the barber every Saturday morning with your old dad, had your ears raised and were grateful to look like every other kid on your block.

But these young people today. They all want to “express themselves” with their weirdo hairdos!

They walk around with their spiky bangs, corn rows, streaky uplifts, mohawks, faux hawks and wigged out sideburns. It’s a carnival freak show but without the popcorn.

If I had ever come home with a multi-colored mullet and a bum fluff goatee my old dad would have used me as a stump and split a cord of wood on my back.

It’s showy and disrespectful. Plumped and preening like a bunch of randy roosters let loose in a hen house. Disgraceful. I say they should round those damned young people up and sheer them down like the sheep they’re supposed to be.

It’s dangerous I tell you and it leads to anarchy and loose morals. It won’t be long before willy nilly hair styles aren’t enough for them anymore and they start frothing at the mouth, burning down post offices, practicing communism and forcing seniors to sport dreadlocks, rattails, moptops and worse.

And mark my god damned words, when that day comes we are all going to be well and truly sorry.

They have crazy haircuts. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Oh God! Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up

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The problem with young people today is that they’re too damned soft.

In my day, young people were tough, damn it. We were gristly, sinewy and hard as nails. My generation was forged in a furnace of fiery parents, sweltering outhouses, creamed chip beef and the type of childhood diseases that either killed you or put some damned hair on your chest.

We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.

But these young people today? They’re marshmallows. And the similarity extends beyond their squishy plumpness and incredible lack of taste. Most have never done a lick of honest work and wouldn’t recognized a calloused palm if you clapped them across the ear with one.

They don’t understand what it means to sacrifice or to go without. For them, sacrifice is eating an unfrosted pop tart, fornicating with an unflavored condom or settling for less than an unlimited phone plan. Take away their cushy duvets, parental fawning and Junior Shopper credit cards and they wouldn’t last 5 damned minutes in the cold hard world.

And they’re emotionally soft too. Call a young person a worthless ninnyhammer and he’ll whinge, cry and fold up like a house of cards just to prove you right. Criticism’s considered some form of abuse instead of what it’s supposed to be – a practical assessment of your obvious limitations and some damned motivation to prove me wrong.

Face facts, this country is deep in the toilet and one flush away from becoming “Runningdoghai” the 23rd Province of the People’s Republic of China. If we ever want to return our nation to its former glory we need to stop raising a generation of spongy cry-babies and get back to work on hardening our resolve, our bodies and our minds.

They’re too damned soft. That’s the problem with young people today.

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Sensible Careers – A Joke!

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It’s high time we brought back good old fashioned jobs like costermongers, spittleman, wheeltappers, pettifoggers, pig jobbers, quarrel pickers and knock knobblers.

American Barbershop Idol

Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.

Cursive Writing

And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.

The Power of Positive Gumption

All this new age, positive-thinking hokum smacks me as being the worst kind of bumph since Clark Stanley sold his first bottle of snake oil elixir back in 1893.

Positive thinking as a means to an end is like the American Dream – it’s fine in theory but really only helpful to those with good genes, rich families and access to a decent education. For everyone else – it’s sleight of hand and empty platitudes.

For 2012, instead of folks assuming they can set their life right with little more than a combination of visualizations, affirmations and positive mental brainwaves, I’d like to see people attempting to set reasonable goals and then achieving them through a combination of hard work, determination and the power of positive gumption.

Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.

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