“Nothing like walking out of the guy’s room you hooked up with last night, just to see a guy you used to hook up with sitting on the couch staring you down. It’s a small world after all.” – Rachel, University of Michigan
“So last Wednesday (no judgment) my friends and I went to this pretty exclusive club, and we all got a little wild and I ended up going home with this really cute Colombian guy from my school. Things get hot and heavy and clothes came off and I ended up staying the night. The next morning I go to look for my dress and bra and I can only find my tights, fur coat, and high heels. The guy and I searched for almost 20 minutes and couldn’t find either- and I had my first business class that I couldn’t miss. So I was forced to walk of shame in tights, fur coat and high heels, (fake eyelashes still on) all the way back to my building. It was humiliating, but not as humiliating as it was when he announced across our English classroom a couple mornings later that he found my dress in the drawer he keeps his condoms in. Needless to say- I must have made quite the first impression in class.” – Mackenzie, Suffolk University
“My sophomore year I was hooking up with this guy who went to Boston College. I went back to his place with him one Thursday night but I had class early Friday morning. It was my first time sleeping at his place and I had no idea where I was in relation to anything. I left at 7am and in a haze he gave me directions to a busier street to find a cab, but I’m completely directionally challenged and was barely listening to him. By the time I got outside, I realized I was wearing my barely there mini skirt, and 5 inch heels from last night. On top of all that, I was also wearing one of his t-shirts that just hit my knees. I kept trying to tie his t-shirt up so it didn’t look as long, but I think that only made matters worse. I looked like a hot mess, but I figured it was 7:30 in the morning and that, in a college town, there was NO way I was going to run into anyone on a Friday morning. Well, I was wrong. Not only did the Boston College girls’ lacrosse team run by me during their practice (pointing and laughing) but I was apparently also the morning entertainment for EVERY truck in the city. Seeing as I have no sense of direction, I ended up at a nearby hospital where, for some reason, there were at least 30 people… of course all staring. I was on the phone sobbing to my best friend while I desperately looked for a cab. When I finally found a cab, the driver couldn’t help but laugh at me and lecture me on pre-marital sex. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. BUT of course, that wasn’t the end. When I rushed out of the cab in front of my apartment (praying that I wouldn’t see anyone), a girl in my sorority was walking out and pointed out to me that I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I ended up skipping class and sleeping off the embarrassment. Who knew so much could happen before 10 am?” -Nicole, Boston University
Funny Weirdo Haircuts Drive Us Nuts!
The problem with young people today is that they have crazy haircuts.
In my day, a lad had two choices for a haircut – a crew cut or a flat top and both cost 50 cents. You went to the barber every Saturday morning with your old dad, had your ears raised and were grateful to look like every other kid on your block.
But these young people today. They all want to “express themselves” with their weirdo hairdos!
They walk around with their spiky bangs, corn rows, streaky uplifts, mohawks, faux hawks and wigged out sideburns. It’s a carnival freak show but without the popcorn.
If I had ever come home with a multi-colored mullet and a bum fluff goatee my old dad would have used me as a stump and split a cord of wood on my back.
It’s showy and disrespectful. Plumped and preening like a bunch of randy roosters let loose in a hen house. Disgraceful. I say they should round those damned young people up and sheer them down like the sheep they’re supposed to be.
It’s dangerous I tell you and it leads to anarchy and loose morals. It won’t be long before willy nilly hair styles aren’t enough for them anymore and they start frothing at the mouth, burning down post offices, practicing communism and forcing seniors to sport dreadlocks, rattails, moptops and worse.
And mark my god damned words, when that day comes we are all going to be well and truly sorry.
They have crazy haircuts. That’s the problem with young people today.
Oh God! Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up
The problem with young people today is that they’re too damned soft.
In my day, young people were tough, damn it. We were gristly, sinewy and hard as nails. My generation was forged in a furnace of fiery parents, sweltering outhouses, creamed chip beef and the type of childhood diseases that either killed you or put some damned hair on your chest.
We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.
But these young people today? They’re marshmallows. And the similarity extends beyond their squishy plumpness and incredible lack of taste. Most have never done a lick of honest work and wouldn’t recognized a calloused palm if you clapped them across the ear with one.
They don’t understand what it means to sacrifice or to go without. For them, sacrifice is eating an unfrosted pop tart, fornicating with an unflavored condom or settling for less than an unlimited phone plan. Take away their cushy duvets, parental fawning and Junior Shopper credit cards and they wouldn’t last 5 damned minutes in the cold hard world.
And they’re emotionally soft too. Call a young person a worthless ninnyhammer and he’ll whinge, cry and fold up like a house of cards just to prove you right. Criticism’s considered some form of abuse instead of what it’s supposed to be – a practical assessment of your obvious limitations and some damned motivation to prove me wrong.
Face facts, this country is deep in the toilet and one flush away from becoming “Runningdoghai” the 23rd Province of the People’s Republic of China. If we ever want to return our nation to its former glory we need to stop raising a generation of spongy cry-babies and get back to work on hardening our resolve, our bodies and our minds.
They’re too damned soft. That’s the problem with young people today.
Sensible Careers – A Joke!
It’s high time we brought back good old fashioned jobs like costermongers, spittleman, wheeltappers, pettifoggers, pig jobbers, quarrel pickers and knock knobblers.
American Barbershop Idol
Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.
And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.
The Power of Positive Gumption
All this new age, positive-thinking hokum smacks me as being the worst kind of bumph since Clark Stanley sold his first bottle of snake oil elixir back in 1893.
Positive thinking as a means to an end is like the American Dream – it’s fine in theory but really only helpful to those with good genes, rich families and access to a decent education. For everyone else – it’s sleight of hand and empty platitudes.
For 2012, instead of folks assuming they can set their life right with little more than a combination of visualizations, affirmations and positive mental brainwaves, I’d like to see people attempting to set reasonable goals and then achieving them through a combination of hard work, determination and the power of positive gumption.
Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.
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