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Reasons You Are an Awful Person According to Astrology (Pt. 1)

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A humorous look at the dark side of Astrology and the negative traits of the Zodiac
Take Note!

This is a parody and is not intended to be a serious study in Astrology. This article was written with tongue in cheek. Please keep this in mind if you are easily offended!

 Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are not only arrogant and confrontational, you are also extremely rigid and dogmatic. Like a boa constricting its prey with its relentless death grip; your ego avoids being bruised at all costs, even if it means alienating everyone around you.

No such thing as a purposeful debate with an Aries. You don’t need things like facts and empathy for others getting in the way of your opinion. Nope, once you’ve made up your mind nothing, truly nothing at all, will change it.

When you’re not busy annoying the will to live out of everyone around you with your aloof, know-it-all, condescension, you spend a great deal of time engaging in reckless, impulsive and undisciplined behaviors.

When a project needs to be done, you’re the one who will systematically “half-ass” it, leaving it sub-par and unfinished for everyone else to attend to while you set off on your next adventure. You’re the person that makes the office a truly wonderful place—when you leave.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your tendency towards self-indulgence and laziness is truly perplexing. You believe very much that the world owes you something, but lack the motivation to get up and actually work. Your possessiveness and materialistic nature often make you jealous of others, especially the ones who actually work for the things you covet.

Your possessive nature and tendency towards jealousy also make you prone to stalking and never knowing how to take “no” for an answer, in anything, ever.

You mistake the term “frugal” with “cheap”—meaning you don’t date much. You are not only cheap and self-indulgent, you tend to be rude as well. Another reason many of you live in your mother’s basement well into adulthood.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re a nervous Nellie who lacks decision-making ability. Your inability to focus is not only annoying, it causes you to miss out on opportunities in life, which is odd considering how much value you place on superficial things like status symbols.

Gemini people are so naturally intelligent they bore easily, which is really just a lame excuse for being flaky and undependable.

What you lack in organization, you make up for with almost limitless energy. No one can create a chaotic workspace with as much enthusiasm as you.

Your dual personality means you are bi-polar moody with no direction, boundless energy and a tendency towards intense anxiety. In other words, you are a high-strung basket case and most people think you’re nuts.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are moody, oppressive, chronically pessimistic, hyper-emotional, and suffocatingly clingy. If that weren’t enough, you are also prone to being a nag and will find something in any situation to unceasingly complain about.

You see every tiny challenge in life as Everest and are a chronic victim. No one on Earth has known the troubles you’ve seen. Everywhere you go, a violin should be following you playing a sad song.

You are more drawn to home life than excelling in career areas because—well, you can’t. Your brooding pessimism and hypochondria cause you to miss too many work days and eventually you get fired, either because you don’t show up, or because people really just don’t want you to anymore.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your ego truly knows no bounds. You are indeed a legend in your own mind, and can’t understand why others don’t share the same opinions you beat them over the head with constantly while tooting your own horn.

You have an uncanny flare and excessive need for drama, coupled with an equally large lack of talent. You never let that stop you from hogging the spotlight though because at least you are incredibly good looking.

Your sexiness and good fashion sense are of course what truly matters in your superficial world. Forget the ocean, you’re about as deep as a birdbath—one that hasn’t been filled in a while.

Your controlling nature, obsessive need for attention, constant demands and lack of patience make your good looks the only thing that keeps you alive. This is especially true for Leo children who would never survive into adulthood were they not the cutest kids ever born.

Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22)

You’re fussy, hyper-critical and stubborn. This, coupled with your wholly anal retentive nature and inability to ever be pleased, make you easily one of the most excruciatingly painful people to ever have to work or live with.

You have a tendency to remain stuck in the past and to avoid all forms of modernization, while constantly complaining that nothing is working as well or efficiently as it should. No one can teach this dog any new tricks. You might learn something. Of all the signs of the zodiac, your lack of ingenuity and creative problem-solving abilities is truly astounding.

You speak your mind and know that it’s through “tough love” that great things happen. You value constructive criticism and brutal honesty above all else, especially when you’re the one constantly dolling it out, but not so much when the favor is returned.

No matter your age, your stunning lack of personality makes you the epitome of the grumpy old man screaming at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.


(source: https://exemplore.com/astrology/Negative-Astrology-Humor)

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Top 10 Corny Jokes On Food

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Here and there’s not at all like a decent, antiquated cheesy joke to put a grin all over. Terrible jokes or father jokes – call them what you will – here and there they simply do the trap.

As sustenance sweethearts, we’re apparently inclined toward jokes of the nourishment assortment. Some of them influence us to recoil somewhat, some of them are so cheesy they humiliate us, and some of them are merely extremely clever. Heading into Fourth of July, it’s an extraordinary time to outfit yourself with some family-accommodating and in fact cheesy jokes so that you can convey some funniness and happiness to your family picnic.

Here are some of our most loved cheesy nourishment jokes existing apart from everything else. Tell us your top choices in the remarks!

“What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?”

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What did the baby corn say to its mom?

A: Where’s my pop corn?

Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?

A: Because he was on a roll.

Mushroom walks in a bar, bartender says “Hey you can’t drink here.”

Mushroom says “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An Impasta.

Q: Why did the tomato blush?

A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

A: They’d crack each other up!

Q. I tried to get into my house the other day, but I couldn’t. Wanna know why?

A. Because I had gnocchi!

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeno business!

Source: Huffington Post

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The Definitive Christmas Wish List

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A senior citizen’s Christmas wish list for all of mankind…

Iprods (available in 15,000 volt, 25,000 volt and 50,000 volt versions)

It’s about time someone combined the genius of walking sticks with the ingenuity of cattle prods to create a handy device for shocking oblivious young people who are stomping around leashed to their mp3 players and knocking down old people like god damned bowling pins.

Large Print Traffic Signs

I do a lot of driving and its damned frustrating when I can’t make out whether a sign says “one way”, “freeway” or “pedestrian crosswalk.” If it weren’t for giant red octagons I wouldn’t have a clue when I’m supposed to hit the brakes.

If you expect me to merge, exit or watch for children make signs big enough that a man can read the damned things.

Raising the Minimum Age of Doctors

Doctors are supposed to be sage old men with white hair, pot bellies and a black bag packed full of pills. The last Doctor I saw was about to give me a prostrate exam but the damned street lights came on and he had to go home.

It’s ridiculous. If someone is going to manhandling my nether regions I’d at least like them to be shaving regularly and have seen a woman naked outside of the confines of their examining room.

A GOP Debate that is Watchable

…and does more than just confirm their collective belief that there’s no such thing as evolution.

Scrapping the Food and Drug Administration

It’s time to toss health regulations out the window and let eating be the literal and figurative crap shoot God intended it to be.

Not only would it save money but it’s a good first step in slimming down damned young people too. After all, folks tend to be more cautious in their food consumption if there is a 30 per cent chance that what you’re eating contains enough Salmonella to kill an African Bush Elephant. And there is nothing like a good case of the collywobbles to help people develop a healthy respect for food and to encourage them to leave a little something other than just tongue marks on their dinner plate.

Methuselah World

I’m sick of amusement parks pandering to children and believe the time is ripe for old folks to get their due. Forget the damned rolly-coasters, deep-fried turkey legs and overpriced gift shops, let’s set up a nice park full of slow moving trains, shaded benches, Betty Boop mascots and decent diversions like whack-a-teen, taffy pulling and bumper walkers.

Limits to Personal Freedom

In my day, freedom of speech was a figure of speech, not an open invitation to flash-mobbing, wiki-leaking, unruly occupying or anti-social nose-thumbing.

People need to stop hiding behind the skirt of civil liberties and read between the damned lines. Freedom of assembly was meant to protect the rights of groups like the Freemasons, the Elks Lodge and the Independent Order of Odd Fellows, not the South Dakota Chapter of Anarchy International.

Advances in Artificial Intelligence

Only because the real thing is in such woefully short supply.

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The Humor Monologue

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THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. We usually keep the projector in the center of the stage, where the speakers speak. Today only the last speaker would use the projector. So Kees suggested that we put the projector in the corner of the room and bring it to the center when it’s needed.

2. The table topics master, Roxanna, gave topics like “speak about spring (season) in wood, spring in garden, spring in childhood etc.) One of the speakers, Justin, told that he would find lot of dog poop outside his home during spring.

3. During the meeting, couple of mobile phones rang and disturbed the speeches.

4. Radomir talked about apocalypse. He referred to the recent meteor hit.

5. Bieneke talked about the history of the campus where the place we meet is located. She told that 20 years ago, the room that we use for meeting used to be the dressing room for the soccer players.

6. Marc talked about a technique for remembering things – called ‘memory palace technique’, where you associate the things which you want to remember to the things in an imaginery palace that you build.

7. Rohit, the general evaluator, told that we haven’t used the guest book in the last 6 or 7 meetings. Normally guest book is used to collect the info about the guests that visit our club.

8. The structure of the meeting is like this – 1. Table topics 2. Prepared speeches 3. Evaluations. Today I was one of the evaluators.

THE MONOLOGUE

1. Good evening dear toastmasters, guests, and the people who are here to change dresses.

2. You all know that I’m the second evaluator today. I would’ve preferred to sleep in the corner of the room until it was my turn to speak. Like the projector.

3. It’s bad that we don’t have a pillow here. But it’s good that we have a guest book.

4. Today we heard people speaking about spring in the wood, spring in the garden, spring in the childhood. I don’t know about all these things. But I know about the ring in the toastmasters meeting. Our ever-ringing mobile phone that is.

5. On the day that meteor hit the city, Justin was scared that the world would end. Because he saw something verryy strange. There was no dog poop outside his house.

6. I don’t care if the meteor destroys this campus or house or the city. I would be happy as long as it doesn’t destroy my memory palace.

7. Thank you Marcel, Marc, Mario, Bieneke, Tobias, Djean, Radomir, Wilhelm, Rohit, Kees, Roxanna. WoWWWW!! The memory palace technique works.

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