Comedian Adam Gropman
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
Submitted by R. s., via mail
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California
In math: Two divided by nothing.
In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.
In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
In dentistry: It’s infectious and antiseptic.
Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It’s two gross.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”
Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”
Funny Things To Do On The First Day Of School
- Accidentally drop your pen and then scream “AAHAHAHAHHA BOB SAGET!!!”
- If you have a male teacher, put your hand up and ask “What are tampons, and periods?”
- Ask your teacher to marry you.
- Get a tissue, then just sit there and stare at it. If someone asks what you’re doing, say you’re having a staring contest with the tissue, and you’re winning.
- Bring a bottle of water and drink out of it all day. Cry if it gets confiscated.
- Raise your hand and wave it around like you just don’t care… then when the teacher calls on you, ask them why.
- If the teacher says anything you disagree with, yell “INFIDEL!” and cry uncontrollably for the rest of the class.
- Get up at a random time, run a lap around the whole class, then sit back down like nothing happened.
- Get everyone to write Harry Potter character names instead of their own real names when filling in worksheets or whatever.
- Read a book in class, and when the teacher’s talking, tell them they’re interrupting your reading.
- Same as above, but make sure it’s a very educational-looking book. Then tell the teacher they’re interrupting your education.
- When the teacher arrives in class, tell them they’re late and they should go to the principal’s office.
- Lick your textbook in class and if the teacher asks what you’re doing, say “What? Would you prefer it if I lick YOUR textbook?”
- Start a sing-a-long and get the whole class to join in.
- Sit right at the back of the room, and jump up at a random time and scream while running out of class. When the teacher asks what’s going on, say “Something touched my leg!”
- If the teacher tells you to stop talking, say “Sure thing, as soon as I’m done talking.”
- Drop your pen on purpose, and ask someone to pick it up. When someone does, yell at them and say “That’s MY pen! Give it back!”
- Tell the teacher there’s a bug on their desk and that it’s about to crawl on them (even if there isn’t one). Insist that it’s really there and that they must have bad eyesight if they can’t see it.
- Carefully place the pencil sharpener (or any other object) in a certain spot, then randomly get up and scream and go over to it, as if someone had moved it. Carefully fix it, then go back to your desk.
- When the teacher asks “Are there any questions?” ask the teacher “Do you hate me?”
- Speak in a foreign language and pretend to not understand English.
- Read your books upside down.
- Bring crutches to school and walk around with them.
- Yell “Stop, drop and roll!”
- Play recordings of squeaking doors and spooky noises, then when the teacher asks “What’s that noise?” get everyone to pretend they can’t hear anything at all and insist that the teacher is imagining it.
Busted! A Humorous Take
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
A Real Turkey Story – Humor
Some years ago, I happened to be living on an old farm in OK. I restored the old, 100-year-old hen house and started my own flock. Before I was done, I had 200 laying hens plus the roosters.
Call me crazy, but when I was buying babies, I happened across a local bird breeder and got 2 female and 1 male turkey.
About the same time, my girls had started laying eggs, a neighbor’s teenage son helped me to build a hutch for the tiny wild rabbits, I had rescued and raised. Evidently, sometime during the day, one of my ‘turkey girls’ (snoopy) was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Her middle toe was broken. It had to be those heavy work boots, the boy was wearing.
I noticed her standing in the middle of the yard, barely limping, when all the rest of the birds were herding themselves off to the house at dusk. I examined her, then picked her up and carried her to the henhouse. She couldn’t jump up to the roost, so I held her while she got her balance.
The next morning, all the birds came running out for breakfast. All but Turkey Girl. Realizing she was crippled with a painful toe, I lowered her down to the feed. Then later, seeing she wasn’t joining the crowd, chasing around and grabbing for bugs, I picked her up and carried her over the front yard, so I could keep an eye on her.
Every time she eyed a bug before she could make it over to where that bug was, 10 chickens had already pounced on it. This broke my heart and I decided to help her out. I went hunting.
I came back with one of those huge grasshoppers in my fist. I held my fist out toward her, so she could see this little head peeking out and said, “Gotcha One”. She plucked it out of my fist.
Pretty soon, my day was occupied with fetching grasshoppers for Turkey Girl. Each time, I’d call out to her, “Gotcha One”.
About the third day, Mr. Boss Man Rooster caught on to what I was doing, raced across the yard and plucked that grasshopper out of my fist, so fast I didn’t even see it coming. Dirty Rat! I went and got another one. Same thing. I went and got 2! With one in each fist, I managed to get one of them to Turkey Girl, before he realized there was another one to have.
Before long, I found myself, strolling down the dirt road, along these Pecan trees and shrubs, with a plastic bag, collecting a whole slew of grasshoppers.
The attack was on. Returning to the yard, not only Mr. Boss came running to meet me, so did about 50 chickens, all determined to be first in line. Haha…I managed to get 5 of them into Turkey Girl. So there!
One day, I was about a block down that little dirt road, had collected a whole plastic bag full of grasshoppers and decided to cut across the wheat field, to the house. A short-cut.
This was a huge, squared off the field of wheat. I climbed over the fence and started toward the house when something caught my eye. Just a few feet behind the house, something white flickered in the green carpet of wheat. I walked on. A few seconds later, I saw that flash of white again but closer to me. I walked on. Then, about half the way across the wheat field, I saw that flash of white again, but this time I recognized it. Mr. Boss!!! He was running through the wheat, then popping up every now and then to get a lock on my location.
Oh, no you don’t! I couldn’t believe my eyes. As he got closer, I raised the plastic bag, full of grasshoppers, high above my head. He caught up with me and the whole rest of the trip, was me defending my treasure, holding it up where he couldn’t reach, and him jumping up higher and higher, as we went.
I finally reached the yard, walked around to the front where the chickens were and yelled out to Turkey Girl, “Gotcha one”, while I lowered the bag, only to discover….it was EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAaaaaah! Now Turkey Girl stood before me anxiously and I had nothing! “I’ll be right back”.
Two weeks passed, since her toe was broken, when I suddenly discovered, one day, that she had been feigning her wound. For how long?
Aaw…and they tell me turkeys are stupid?
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