#1) Tolstoy was a great pacifist and was once lecturing on the need to be nonresistant and nonviolent towards all creatures. Someone in the audience responded by asking what should be done if one was attacked in the woods by a tiger. Tolstoy responded, “Do the best you can. It doesn’t happen very often.”
#2) The celebrated dancer Isadora Duncan once wrote to George Bernard Shaw declaring that, given the principles of eugenics, they should have a child together.
“Think of it!” she enthused. “With my body and your brains, what a wonder it would be.”
“Yes,” Shaw replied. “But what if it had my body and your brains?”
#3) Johann Wolfgang Goethe
Goethe once wrote a very long letter to one of his friends. In the end, he added a postscript explaining: “I am very sorry for sending you such a long letter but I did not find enough time to write a shorter one.”
#4) Once an editor rejected a story of Isaac Asimov and called it “meretricious.” The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning “prostitute,” so that the implication was that Asimov was prostituting his talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on his name alone because he was too lazy to write a good one. (Later the story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)
Swallowing his annoyance, Asimov said mildly, “What was that word you used?”
Obviously proud of knowing a word he felt Asimov didn’t know, the editor enunciated carefully, “Meretricious!”
Whereupon Asimov replied, “And a Happy New Year to you.”
#5) One day during a lecture tour, Mark Twain entered a local barbershop for a shave. This, Twain told the barber, was his first visit to the town.
“You’ve chosen a good time to come,” he declared.
“Oh?” Twain replied.
“Mark Twain is going to lecture here tonight. You’ll want to go, I suppose?”
“I guess so…”
“Have you bought your ticket yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“Well, it’s sold out, so you’ll have to stand.”
“Just my luck,” said Twain with a sigh. “I always have to stand when that fellow lectures!”
Humor: Top 10 Facebook Jokes
Facebook isn’t only a long range interpersonal communication site any longer. It has turned into a social wonder. In any critical ways, our lives are reliant on or fragmented without Facebook. Envision being not able to offer your birthday photos with your companions over the world. Or on the other hand not having the capacity to know the most recent that is occurring in the local area.
The virtual universe of Facebook with notices, photographs, posts and jabs has more genuine to us than our whole lives That is the reason, similar to some other consuming social wonder; there are a few jokes on Facebook also. We have assembled a gathering of the most ingenious jokes about Facebook here.
Facebook Joke 1:
Facebook is like a jail. You have mugshot profile picture.
You spend all your time writing on walls. And some totally undesirable people poke you around unnecessarily.
Facebook Joke 2:
A grandmother left her farm, barn, horses, chickens, pigs and $1million cash to her granddaughter. The granddaughter was overwhelmed and said “Granny, I never knew you had so many assets.
Where are they?” The grandmother’s last word on her death-bed was ‘Facebook’.
Facebook Joke 3:
Teacher asks student, “What do you call a place where people talk to themselves, write on walls, cook imaginary food in fictional cafes, grow crops that do not exist and count make-believe money?”
Student answers, ‘Mental hospital.’
Teacher growls, ‘ No you idiot. Facebook.’
Facebook Joke 4:
If Facebook is a fridge then we keep opening it every few seconds to see if there is anything interesting in it!
Facebook Joke 5:
When do you officially become a Facebook stalker?
When you notice that someone’s Facebook profile picture changes and you are not even their friend!
Facebook Joke 6:
What is the new face of communalism?
Facebook groups! People are so freaking aggressive about it!
Facebook Joke 7:
Why do Facebook users have lower grades than non-Facebook users?
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This is because you do not need to use your brains to be on Facebook.
Facebook Joke 8:
The Facebook status of a girl committing suicide; ‘My Twitter account can remarry now…’
Facebook Joke 9:
What does a man tell God after he just dies?
Please let me go back. I forgot to tell my to wife to change her relationship status!
Facebook Joke 10:
Where will you find a man with too many debts? On Facebook trying to earn some cash in Mafia Wars!
For more such jokes, subscribe to The Humor Column today!
Humor: Top 5 Funny Jokes Ever
If you love humor, this is the one for you. Here’s a collection of top 5 funniest jokes of all time!
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald’s or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.
Top 5 Hilarious Jokes on Batman
For what reason do we like making Batman jokes? Is it because – regardless of the character being something made for kids – there’s unavoidable obscurity that exemplifies the style, as well as figured out how to spread out through whatever is left of the ordinance?
To such an extent that even the animated arrangement feels darker than consistent youngsters’ modifying? Or on the other hand is it because the idea of a developed man and his more youthful companion circling in tights offers to us in an adolescent and guileless way? Or then again perhaps it’s simply straightforward to make bat-based plays on words. Whatever the reason, we’ve assembled a rundown of our most loved jokes and plays on words in light of our most loved caped crusader. What’s more, indeed, these are the Batman jokes that you merit, and need.
What Happens When Batman Sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
What Do You Call It When Batman Skips Church?
When Is Joker Not Plotting A Murder?
When he’s riding his Harley!
What’s The Difference Between Batman & A Robber
Batman can go into a store without Robin!
Batman & Robin Go Camping In The Desert:After setting up their tent and falling asleep, Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, “ I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?”
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
“Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
Did this crack you up well? For more such rib ticklers, subscribe to The Humor Column today!
Source: The Ranker
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